it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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