can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
