i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
