i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
