so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
