she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize