we're chasing vodka with high fives
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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