just tell him i said nine months
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
