just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
