In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't put those talents on a resume
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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