3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
