Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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