Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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