2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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