True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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