You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
