Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
