Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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