I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Randomize
