I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
