so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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