As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
