My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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