sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
organizing the empties. That sober.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
