I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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