How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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