It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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