Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize