I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
