I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
