I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize