I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
