Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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