how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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