hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
