Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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