but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
