His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
