im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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