I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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