Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
