a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
