Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
