Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
