why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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