So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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