Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
