Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
