You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
