how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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