When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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