peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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