Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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