I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
