You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
