I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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