i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
