I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
