Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
