nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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