There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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