How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
