Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
